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Noah glared at her. “Are you suggesting we end this engagement?”

  Her heart seized for a moment. She had to make him see that he needed to talk to his father. But how? Anger flared in her at how frustrated he made her. “Wouldn’t it be ironic that you’re not the one ending the relationship? Would you insist we perpetrate a lie so that you can tell Elizabeth it happened again?”

  Clare slapped a hand over her impulsive mouth. What was she saying? Did she want to break off her engagement?

  Lord, stop my angry words. Help me!

  Noah’s expression turned blank. His words were as frosty as the evening air. “Is that what you want, Clare?”

  She looked away, hating that she’d even brought up the subject. “No. I’m sorry. I’m upset because it’s all so confusing. You aren’t who I thought you were, and you haven’t been truthful.” And I’m scared.

  “About my previous engagement? Or the lie Elizabeth wants me to continue?”

  “Both.” She turned back to him and plowed on before she lost her nerve. “You must tell her father the truth. I know it’s not my business, and I know it will hurt him, but unless there is some real and valid chance that you will marry Elizabeth instead of me, it’s wrong to allow Mr. Townsend to continue to hope for reconciliation.”

  She leaned closer to him, her heart pounding as she waited for him to answer. This conversation had taken a terrible turn. But if he was honest with Mr. Townsend, he might realize he needed to go home, also. Perhaps talking to Mr. Townsend would show Noah how much he missed his family.

  Noah said nothing. Clare shut her eyes. Why was she even doing this? She must be insane to push him toward a solution that could see her lose her home.

  She couldn’t allow that to happen. Was it selfish to want to keep her family together and do everything in her power to ensure that?

  And what about her growing feelings for him? A short time ago, she was thinking that starting to care deeply for him was going to be disastrous, but at the same time, she liked the way it warmed her and made her feel all gooey.

  Now, that same feeling was also prompting her to help him mend his relationship with his father, regardless of what it would do to her life.

  She waited for Noah to speak, to offer assurance that her life wouldn’t fall apart, that her brothers weren’t going to be shipped off somewhere.

  Noah said nothing. The silence continued until Clare quickly shimmied to the far side of the wagon, where she dropped to the dirt road with all the grace of a lame calf. She straightened, brushed herself off and began to walk swiftly away from the wagon.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Dumbfounded, Noah watched her melt into the night, out of the circle of thin light from the lantern.

  One of the boys shifted and Noah glanced back at them. He hadn’t wanted them to suffer. He’d offered marriage to help them all out.

  And to hurt your father.

  He hated the condemnation, but it was true. A part, much smaller than the other reason, proved he’d wanted to hurt his father, albeit in absentia only. He was also letting Elizabeth suffer and her father believe there was a chance at reconciliation.

  Lord, forgive me. Help me. I don’t know how to solve this situation. If I tell the truth, it will destroy Elizabeth’s relationship with her father.

  I know how that feels.

  And he didn’t want to hurt Clare, he realized with a jolt of his heart.

  With a flick of the reins, Noah urged the horse forward, afraid that Clare had made significant enough progress that he would not find her in the moonless evening. Regardless of how safe Proud Bend appeared, there were still plenty of wild animals about. Several months back, Noah had heard that there had been a cougar prowling around the general store late one night.

  “Clare!” He shot a fast look over his shoulders to find Tim rousing and looking worriedly up at him. Noah turned back, ready to kick himself for letting her slip away.

  Clare appeared in front of the horse. She stood stiffly within an arm’s length of the animal. Noah quickly reined it in before leaping down from the bench seat. “You shouldn’t have run off.”

  In the darkness, he sagged, hoping that Clare couldn’t see that action. He’d stupidly started his apology with a condemnation. It wasn’t the smartest thing to do.

  Clare was facing the dim light and he could make out a stiff and unyielding expression. “I didn’t run off. The night is cool and I want to get home.”

  “We’re still a good quarter mile from your house. I can take you there.”

  “We’re not that far and it’s not that late, so don’t make it sound like I’m prowling the streets like a stray cat. You need to get my brothers home, or they will be bears in the morning. I can walk. Or as you put it, run.”

  “It’s not safe.”

  “I shall be running. I’m sure I can outrun any robber if I hike up my skirt.”

  He wanted to argue that point further, but knew better. She was only avoiding the real reason why she jumped down and dashed off. “No. You’re going to stand right here and listen while I apologize.”

  “Apologize?” The sound of surprise in her voice was a welcome relief to the clipped tones of her disapproval a moment ago.

  “Yes, apologize. I should have told you about Elizabeth as soon as we became engaged. It was wrong.” He took her hands and drew them up to his chest.

  “And the lies you two fabricated?”

  “I didn’t—” When she began to protest, he added, relief pouring through him at the confession, “You’re right. I’m in no way faultless. I allowed a lie to stand and told myself I owed her that much. I thought that if I never actually heard her lie, I was in the clear. I wasn’t. It was wrong of me.”

  She tore her hands free and for a swift, scared moment, Noah thought she was going to shove him away and march off again. Instead, she grabbed hold of his shoulders and pulled herself close to him. Her stare was intense. “I forgive you, Noah. You know that I am not guilt-free, either. Why, I still feel so much resentment against my father, it sits on my chest like a sack of flour. But I can never ask him for his forgiveness.”

  “He’ll know.”

  “Yes, perhaps. But am I ready to ask for that forgiveness? Or forgive him? That’s much more than just knowing I’ve sinned.” She sighed. “I can see why they say that forgiving someone really frees you. The pain inside of me feels almost—” she paused “—like the way my mother couldn’t even walk some days. But that’s me. I didn’t mean our conversation to turn into an argument. I was trying to get you to see why you need to fix your relationship with your father.”

  Her words felt as though someone had punched him in the gut. He looked away, but she touched his cheek with her gloved hand and drew it back to face her. Noah shifted and he could barely see Clare’s face in the thin lantern light. Why couldn’t there be a moon, even a sliver of one, instead of them relying on that weak little lantern that seemed to be inexplicably dancing several yards away?

  Clare continued, quietly, but with firmness. “And you must do something about Elizabeth. Now. You can’t ignore this any longer. You’ve hidden behind the idea of building a ranch long enough.”

  He stiffened. Had he been using that as an excuse?

  Her next words were soft, anxious. “And you need to decide who you want to marry.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Are you delaying talking to Mr. Townsend because you wonder if you should marry Elizabeth?”

  Noah felt his mouth fall open.

  “Noah?” She seemed to be desperately trying to recapture his attention. “The day after tomorrow is our wedding day. You need to decide what to do. Now. It can’t wait. It’s not fair to me or the boys or even you.” Her mouth thinned. “Noah, I’ve seen you at work. I know how you saved Tim and Leo from Turnip.
I know you’re not afraid to do the really difficult things.”

  Noah shut his eyes. He didn’t want to condemn Clare to an unhappy marriage, but knew she would marry him only to keep her family together. She deserved an answer, and his reticence wasn’t fair to her. She’d deal with this head-on, like a bighorn ram would take on a rival.

  Clare continued to search his face. Her lips had parted and her frown had deepened. It was getting cool, for he caught a glimpse of her sigh, a frosty stream, and he noticed that she was shivering. He wanted to pull her close and warm her up and suddenly that desire rose up to capture his full attention.

  What had they been arguing about? Reconciliation? Marriage? Her proximity fogged his mind. Inundated his senses. Did she think he wanted Elizabeth?

  Somehow, one of them had slipped nearer to the other. Which one, he didn’t know. The faint remnants of her perfume lingered in the air. He watched her, trying to discern her thoughts.

  All he could think was that she was so beautiful, so vibrant and impulsive and honest. A scant few days ago, she’d turned his proposal down, determined to be the person she’d vowed to herself she would be.

  Except that she was also sensible and self-sacrificing, not wanting her brothers to suffer, so she’d accepted his offer of marriage.

  She’d set her dreams aside, albeit with tears. A small concession, a mourning of sorts to say goodbye to that person.

  She was a far better person than he could ever be.

  “Noah?” Her soft voice pierced his thoughts. “Are you wondering who you should marry?”

  He gaped at her. Marrying Elizabeth would go far to mending his relationship with his father, something Clare had told him was the most important thing right now.

  But if he married Clare, he’d be destroying the woman she desperately wanted to be. Wasn’t that important, too?

  If he didn’t marry her, would that force her to seek another man’s hand to keep her family together?

  Clare to marry someone else? Covetous jealousy flared in him, surprising him with its strength. And what about Tim and Leo? Those little ruffians were worming their way into his heart. He hated the thought of never seeing them again.

  Was this really happening? He’d never thought that he would ever have such strong feelings, but here he was, fearful that he would lose everything with just one wrong decision.

  How did his life get this way?

  How could he fix it, and yet, at the same time, not condemn Clare to a life she didn’t want?

  * * *

  Clare held her breath. Why was he not answering her? Fear gripped her and in that sudden icy moment of dread, she did the absolute unthinkable.

  She caught Noah’s face and yanked it close. His lips met hers with an almost painful slam. This was a hard, desperate kiss, and Clare knew she was trying to sway the vote in her favor, but she couldn’t help herself.

  She’d never kissed a man before. In college, they were watched so closely by various chaperones that one could barely manage a moment of privacy.

  Here in Proud Bend she wasn’t much freer. Convention and conservative values kept Clare from being alone with any man save her father. Look at her now, though. She was out and about after dark, kissing a man who, although he was to be her husband, might actually be considering reneging on his offer of marriage.

  So Clare continued to kiss him, desperately, fighting the pounding of her heart that was bound to come with such an intimate act. And all Noah had done was grip her upper arms. Was he going to push her away?

  He didn’t. Instead, he yanked her close and returned the kiss with matching ferocity. She loved it. Her world swam as his passion rose.

  “When you’re done kissing, can we go home?”

  Clare leaped back in horror, peering around Noah toward the juvenile voice.

  Tim stood mere feet away. Behind him, Leo stood on the bench of the wagon, close to the lantern still on its hook, peering toward them with a concerned frown on his small, freckled face.

  Her hand flew to her mouth. What had she become?

  A woman in such a desperate situation that she would do anything to solve it, that was what.

  Tears sprang into her eyes, and she couldn’t stop the sob from escaping as she turned and fled.

  She reached her home in record time, knowing all too well that Noah had followed her at a discreet distance and with a great deal of shushing toward the boys.

  At her front door, she glanced once over her shoulder, catching Noah’s expression in the lamplight. Deep, desperate concern marred his handsome features. And as she stopped, he jerked forward slightly, but she dropped her gaze and hurried into the house before she did something incredibly foolish, like return to him and beg a man who didn’t love her to kiss her again.

  * * *

  The next morning, early, Clare and Miss Worth walked silently toward the train depot. Her mentor had told Clare she wasn’t to take time away from her work just to see her off. She was fine just sitting at the depot for a few hours until the train to Denver arrived. She had her Bible and a puzzle book “to keep the mind sharp.”

  Clare consulted the watch pinned to her coat. She had half an hour before she needed to be at work.

  “Don’t worry about me, Clare. I’ll be fine. Your work is more important than sitting with me.”

  Clare still felt as though she owed Miss Worth more than obedience. Her visit had hardly been a quiet and peaceful affair, with the exception of this morning. Without Tim and Leo, and with the Townsends sleeping in, breakfast had been one of the few enjoyable, quiet moments. “I just wish we’d had more time,” she told her mentor.

  “There will be other times. I’m not moving out to the coast, just visiting. Before my trip home, I’ll telegraph you with the details, so we can plan a decent visit.” She smiled almost sadly at Clare. “I know I’ve always challenged you more than the other women, Clare, but I knew you were up to the task.”

  “What task?” As they walked, Clare smoothed down her long skirt as if the action would remove the wrinkles. It wasn’t her work skirt, but a traveling one of fine quality, dark in color and suitable for somber occasions.

  “The task of life as a modern woman. And it will be a task. This century will be ending sooner than you think and we will do more than ever before.”

  “It’s not going to end for seventeen more years. Don’t you think we have a bit of time?”

  “Time goes by faster than you realize. You will need to be prepared for what lies ahead. I predict great things for women in the twentieth century.”

  Thinking of her foolish behavior last night, Clare was just hoping to get through this week. There wasn’t a lot of room in her head for the next two decades. “Miss Worth, I’m sure I’ll be ready for it when the time comes, but my life is quite full as it is. I keep feeling as though I should apologize for disappointing you.”

  That shocked the older woman. “When have you done that?”

  “I’m getting married.”

  Miss Worth shook her head. Her small, conservative hat stayed snug on her head. “Not every woman should stay single, my dear. If that happened, a lot fewer children would be born. It’s those children who will grow up to change the laws and minds of the people. They will recognize that women have rights, especially if we do our due diligence on the matter.”

  By now, they’d reached the train depot. Peering down the rail line toward Castle Rock, Clare said pensively, “I’m glad you’re not disappointed. It’s just that marrying Noah feels a bit...”

  “Like a compromise?”

  Clare cringed inwardly. It had felt that way at first, but as Noah had begun to make the legal arrangements for her wedding, and after Clare slowly got used to her situation, and after the tears of grief assailed her less and less, she’d realized that the marriag
e was for the best.

  Her throat suddenly hurting, she swallowed to relieve it. Noah had hesitated after she’d asked him if he wanted to marry her or Elizabeth. Had he not wanted to hurt her?

  And what about the kiss they’d shared? Noah had kissed her back. Even his look when she’d reached her house was confusing. She had no idea what it all meant, and she was too afraid to sort it out.

  There was also his fractured relationship with his father. And the lie Elizabeth was still perpetuating. Obviously, he didn’t want to tell her father the truth and risk a split between father and daughter.

  Clare bit her lip. Even she could see that marrying Elizabeth would hurt fewer people. But deep in her heart, it felt wrong. But if Noah chose her, he’d send Elizabeth and her father back. The lie might never be settled and his relationship with his father would remain unresolved.

  “It’s more complicated than just a compromise, Miss Worth.”

  “I see.” The older woman drew her to a short bench under the eaves. “Let me tell you a story. I was in love once.”

  Clare straightened. “You were? What happened?”

  Miss Worth looked out at the platform. “I fell in love. I was loved. We wanted to marry. There wasn’t any disapproval in either family. He was from good, hardworking stock. My family didn’t have much money, either, but our families liked each other. I had a benefactress, a wealthy elderly woman who wanted young women like me to succeed.” She looked down at her hands, pressing them around her books. “But my beau died of yellow jack when he went down to New Orleans to help with the outbreak. He was training to become a doctor and couldn’t sit by while there was so much suffering. Next month, it will be thirty years ago.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I didn’t want to marry anyone else.” She slid a sideways glance at Clare. “I don’t discuss him because I don’t want people to think I have turned harsh because of his death.”

  “I’m sure that’s not true.” Clare’s thoughts turned to Noah, who disapproved of Miss Worth’s critical attitude. Would he agree with that assessment? “You’re firm, not harsh, and there are many incidents in our lives that mold us.”